EDUCATION, DISABILITY, AND SEXUALITY:
WHOSE JOB IS IT, ANYWAY?
BY Mary Ellen Peterson
Having a child with special needs is a life changing experience. For good or
bad, you tend to have a lot less privacy, and many more people involved in your
life. You'll find people who genuinely care about your child and are there to
provide guidance, and other people who are there because it is their job. As the
parent you become the filter through which all these strangers have access to
your child, your family, and your life.
One area that we can master as parents is the ability to become effective partners in the education of our children with special needs. There are a lot of materials and trainings available that empower us to become equal partners in the educational process.
Just about the time we can do that really well, we realize that once again we have a whole new set of issues to handle. This time there is not a lot of information written, and it is hard finding other parents willing to talk about it. I didn't know that I didn't know how to deal with disability and sexuality. Not only did I not have a clue, I didn't even want to think about it. As if not thinking about it would make it go away! Well, it didn't, and my son paid a heavy price for my inability to acknowledge and deal with a normal developmental stage.
When my son, Joe, was living in a group home, he was very interested in girls, and was talking about having a girlfriend. When a girl, around his age, moved into his group home he thought she was there to be his girlfriend. One day he tried to put his arm around her, and when she didn't want him to he pushed her down and touched her breast in the process. It doesn't seem like much of a big deal, but it was quickly blown out of proportion. The girl, who was higher functioning than Joe, called 911 and Joe was arrested. He was handcuffed and taken to Valley Medical Center for a 72 hour hold.
My husband Bruce and I were called as the police were taking Joe to the hospital. Bruce and I got to Valley Medical Center shortly after Joe, and since I was his conservator the hospital had to release him to my custody. The police officer had filed assault and battery charges against Joe, and the nightmare began. The legal system does not care if you have a disability or not. They treated Joe just the same as everybody else, and would not drop the charges until they were sure this would never happen again. We had a wonderful attorney who felt this should never have gotten to the courts in the first place, but it still took about eight court appearances and lots of assurances from the new group home, SARC, from people in charge, and from his family before the charges were eventually dropped.
I learned that being in denial doesn't work, and that though I was uncomfortable in dealing with my son's sexuality the only way I could protect him was to become knowledgeable and active in his understanding of what is OK and not OK in his relationships with others. I need to ensure that there are many opportunities for socialization so that my son, Joe, can learn good manners and develop friendships that may one day lead to a special relationship with a girl. Isn't that what we hope for all our children?
With inclusion and integration comes greater opportunities for sexual expression. There is a need for greater access to information and educational material about the development of sexuality for people with disabilities. How can we help our special needs children develop a strong sense of self, and confidence? How can we interact with our children in ways that increase their self-esteem, encourage appropriate behaviors, empower them to recognize and respond to abuse, and enable them to develop lifelong friendships?
Young people with special needs are often in more restrictive environments which limits their opportunities to observe, to develop and practice social skills. Research indicates that students who have an understanding of themselves and others as social/sexual beings will use better judgments in their behaviors. Isn't that what we want for ourselves and for all our children: to be able to make good choices in life?
Source: Parents Helping Parents Newsletter, "Special Addition." Used with permission